3 Tips for Finding Joy When Grief Really Hurts
For many people consumed by grief, feeling joy and happiness may be the last thing you think is possible. But after many days of feeling the immense pain and suffering grief can cause, one begins to feel helpless and hopeless because the rest of the world has moved on. It can be easy to feel lost and lonely- only wishing for a moment of joy, and to feel like you’re not completely full of sadness all the time.
But the joy just doesn’t happen- and forcing it can feel awful, inauthentic, and fraudulent. So what can one do to feel more joy when their grief feels so heavy? My hope is that this article- which shares some ideas for finding joy in grief- are relatable and can be borrowed for your own experiences of authentic joy. If that’s not possible, at least the idea of it hopefully helps you know you’re not alone and that others are struggling to find joy while on the path of their own grief journeys.
First, let me say that joy is possible when grieving. It’s a paradox because grief often feels so painful. Also, there are times when people think they shouldn’t feel good after a time of loss. “It’s not right to feel this way” or “what will people think of me if I feel joyful at this time” can be common thoughts that go through the minds of people who are grieving.
Some people may think they will be judged if they feel joyful at a time of grief. They worry about the perceptions of others. They also worry about being socially accepted.
On the contrary, some people just can’t find joy at all. They are deeply caught up in the sadness and suffering of their grief. They may feel like there’s nothing to live for now that their loved one is gone. They may feel like there’s nothing to care about anymore. They may have lost all hope for anything meaningful going forward.
There are many other experiences you may have regarding joy and grief. After all, your grief is unique. Not one person grieves the same as another. Again, my hope is that the rest of this article will offer some ways to find joy when you’re currently grieving.
Tip #1: Surprise a Stranger
It’s commonly advised that when grieving, volunteering will help you feel better. Although I agree with the idea, I do think it’s a bit of a stretch for people grieving. Sometimes it’s that hard to get out of bed, feed yourself, or get out of your house for a short amount of time.
In my opinion, volunteering requires a big commitment. If you’re suffering or even struggling with your own grief, committing to something such as volunteering may be too much. Instead, try something smaller or more obtainable with less effort. Surprise a friend, colleague, or stranger by performing a random act of kindness.
Doing something for others helps you create a focus outside of yourself. Sometimes that’s needed in grief because, otherwise, the grief is too unbearable. Doing something kind like buying someone a coffee, putting another quarter in someone else’s expired parking meter, or filling up a water bowl at a dog park can help you think about someone else in need, further helping you to find a little spark of joy.
Even if you feel the joy for a brief moment, it still is real. You just experienced it. And by doing so, it helps you realize there’s more where that came from- even if it’s in small doses.
Kindness is strongly associated with happiness. In the act of doing a random act of kindness, you create an opportunity for feeling happiness and joy- and getting to express this through smiling, laughing, feeling proud, or other pleasant ways.
Tip #2: Share Photographs
There’s been numerous occasions when someone grieving has shared photographs with me and they have burst into tears. For me, it looks like complete sadness and pain. But when I check in and listen to what’s actually happening, I often am told that there is also joy in the experience.
Sharing a photograph can help you see something you deeply miss about your loved one. You may see a smile, smirk, or funny facial expression. You may see them on their bicycle, looking completely in the moment. You may see them with their grandkids, expressing unconditional love.
When you share those captured memories of loved ones, warm feelings come up. Laughter may surface. And when it does, so does joy.
Now that Social Media is a part of daily life for so many, it’s convenient to share photos and memories there. However, I don’t recommend it because it can be very easy to get distracted or caught up in the reactions from others; such as anticipating how many likes, cares, or comments you get.
Instead, I recommend sitting down with someone special and sharing either a printed copy or, if digital, holding the device and sitting close. This will provide a safer space to share more stories and feel a sense of deeper connection. In special moments like these, you may laugh and cry but I’m confident that you will feel flashes of joy in your sharing.
Tip #3: Move Your Body
When you read the phrase “move your body,” what comes to mind? Most people think of exercising or dancing. That definitely is two ways to move- but there are much more options than these two alone.
Ideally, the more you sweat, the better. Sweating helps release a lot of toxins and move emotional energy. Sweating and moving your body helps to build up endorphins and that will feel really good. When the endorphins are flowing, it creates a natural hi, helping to bring a smile to your face. Smiles are indicators of feeling joy :)
I do understand that when you feel grief, there’s very little motivation to move. If that’s your experience, that’s okay. In situations like that, try to do two things:
Find a partner. someone who will be your trainer, coach, and encourager.
Having a partner with these qualities helps tremendously. I’m not saying hire a personal trainer, but if you need to, more power to you. If you do, just make sure they also have some empathy for the difficult times in your grief.
Just show up. Sometimes people think that to feel better is an all or nothing thing. In grief, this may look like a “full recovery,” “cure,” or “fix.” Thinking in all or nothing terms puts so much pressure on yourself, making it easy to get overwhelmed and therefore, never even begin.
If you show up, you’re making it easier to follow through. Show up by pressing play on that work out video. Show up by meeting a friend at the hiking trail. Show up by turning on the music, closing the blinds, and standing in the center of the room until you feel moved by the music.
Moving your body is often the most joyful experience when done so in nature. The ebb and flow of nature running its course helps create a sense of feeling nurtured in your own humanity. Nature is a safe container. It also provides many opportunities to gain perspective, especially when you find yourself at a summit or high point of elevation where you can look well out onto the horizon. That’s very good for the Soul and can bring about many joyful feelings.
You don’t have to be in the gym or the yoga studio all the time to move your body. Recreational activities in your backyard or local park are just as good. As an example, I get out to the beach and play volleyball at least once a week. This helps me get physical activity but also helps me process some of my more difficult emotions. I usually don’t cry or voice these emotions. I just move my body and by the time I’m done playing volleyball, I’m physically tired and feel so much lighter inside my body.
Maybe you can do some of your favorite recreational activities. Maybe you can just go for a walk and listen to your favorite Podcast (the Grief Refuge Podcast- I hope!) The possibilities are unlimited but the important thing is that you just start. And start small for that matter. 5 minutes today, 7 minutes tomorrow, ten minutes next week- making small progress along the way.
Even if you get 3 seconds of feeling joy in a 5 minute walk, you’re at least feeling something joyful. That’s 100 times better than feeling nothing at all.
I sure hope these 3 tips are helpful and encouraging for you to take one small step to experience more joy during your grief. You don’t have to dramatically change your life or do something outrageous to feel more joy. Small things that create flashes of joy do indeed help. Be kind and patient with yourself. Grief is a journey and any moment of joy is a moment is also part of the experience.
Reid Peterson is the Creator of the Grief Refuge app. Grief Refuge is a daily companion to help support people on the grief journey. Download for free on iOS or Android to get daily support.
