Coping With Sentimental Objects After Loss
This article is co-authored with my friend and colleague, Belinda Cock. With her permission, it is posted here to help provide a deeper understanding to grief and how it impacts the ownership of sentimental possessions. Throughout this article you will find the term “linking objects,” which we use interchangeably with sentimental objects.
“‘I wear the chain I forged in life,’ replied the Ghost. ‘I made it link by link, and yard by yard; I girded it on of my own free will, and of my own free will I wore it.’” [Dickens: Christmas Carol Pg. 27]
These famous words have always haunted me (Belinda, and yes, pun intended). The idea of holding on to things so tightly in life that they chain us down and prevent us from living to our fullest joy is heartbreaking to me. Jacob Marley’s chain was made of “cash-boxes, keys, padlocks, ledgers, deeds, and heavy purses wrought in steel.” (p23) These were the things that he coveted to the point that they became his undoing.
You may be asking, “what in the world does this have to do with linking objects that keep me connected to my loved one that has died?” and I would say “Nothing if you have a healthy connection to the objects.” But if holding on to something is no longer about preserving the memory of your loved one, and is more about holding on for the sake of holding on, we encourage you to continue reading.
A 900 lb linking object
When I (Reid) was a kid, it was a special treat to go for a ride on Warren’s motorcycle. Warren is my Stepfather. He died in 2016.
From the moment Warren entered my life at the young age of 3, he had a Harley Davidson motorcycle. I thought his black sportster was the coolest, probably because it was the smallest of his bikes and I thought it could go the fastest.
Warren owned 3 different Harleys in the 37 years he was part of my life. He and my mom took a lot of vacations and did a lot of motorcycle touring. Many of those trips and rides were some of the fondest memories they shared together.
When Warren was diagnosed with cancer in 2008, he kept a positive attitude and affirmed he was going to live another 30+ years. I believed him. He had a very strong will.
After all the treatments (and the additional diseases he developed as side effects) began to wear down his spirit, he and my mom began to make arrangements to set up a will and get their affairs in order.
I remember talking to them about his bike. At the time, he had a 1998 Harley Davidson Ultra Glide (95th anniversary edition). They asked if I would be interested in taking ownership. I told them I would be honored to do so.
That bike was a big part of Warren’s life and identity. After he died, my mom had the bike towed into the shop to repair and restore it. It had sat in their garage for 4 years because Warren didn’t have the strength to hold it up.
The bike was restored and we moved it from MN to CA so I could take ownership. I remember looking at it when we got if off the trailer and telling myself, “take care of this beauty. This is what’s left of Warren.”
I rode it once a week for the first year I owned it. Every time I got on the bike, I felt like Warren was right there with me. It was so special. I would fire it up and head for a curvy country road. I would take in the beautiful scenery and feel confident that Warren’s Spirit was filled with joy.
For the year of 2019, I was a full time motorcycle commuter. That feeling of being with Warren wore off and my mind began to focus more on the dangers of riding. Every day commutes to work and other places became more about survival and remaining accident free.
I had many conversations with my wife about what to do with the bike. I was now scared. I didn’t trust other drivers on the road. I saw too many people driving and texting and there were more close calls than what I was comfortable with.
My family leased a 2nd car in December of 2019. At that time, I stopped riding. The feeling was bittersweet. I felt much more safe in a car with airbags and metal around me but there was a part of me that felt like I had betrayed Warren.
A little over a year later and Warren’s bike continues to sit in the driveway. Each day I look at it and tell myself, “I need to ride it. I owe it to Warren. I need to preserve his legacy.”
How do linking objects keep the memory of loved ones going?
When you hold a linking object in your hand, you’re reminded of the person that made that object special in the first place. This makes linking objects very important in grief. They sometimes fill a void for the connection to your special person. Linking objects help you feel close to the person you miss so much.
Linking objects are often defined as something owned by the person you lost. That’s not always the case though. They can be unowned objects that bring up memories of special bonds or attachments you had with your special person. For example, random pennies found in public places are linking objects for Reid’s maternal grandmother. They help connect him to his grandma Mary Lou who died in 1996. Mary Lou used to say “find a penny, pick it up, and all day long you’ll have good luck.” Without the penny as a linking object, that memory would likely be lost.
For Belinda, special linking objects are fondue pots. More about that in a bit…
When a linking object loses its significance over time, it’s considered healthy and part of accepting the new reality associated with your loss. Some linking objects are held onto longer than others. Some are held onto for generations. The timing and importance of linking objects depends on what the object is and the significance it played in your relationship to the person you lost.
Can linking objects be harmful to the healing grief process?
Sometimes, linking objects are harmful to the grief process in that they perpetuate emotions that feel more hurtful. When linking objects no longer fulfill the purpose of connecting you to your loved one, it can be easy to feel guilty, self judgment, or even shame. These feelings are common because part of you wants to move on with life but part of you still feels the need to honor and/or preserve the memory of your loved one.
Remember Belinda’s note about fondue pots? Here’s her story as an example for how linking objects can become more harmful than helpful.
Any time I (Belinda) see a fondue pot at a thrift store or yard sale, I automatically think of my step-dad, Pierre, and the 40 year long Escargot/Cheese Fondue Christmas Eve tradition my family has. The tradition becomes problematic when I open my hall closet and see so MANY (too many) fondue pots I have collected since my step-dad died 8 years ago.
For me (Belinda), traditions and rituals are an important part of life. They bring peace into a world that is full of chaos. When I take Communion at church the 1st Sunday of the month it helps me connect with my faith and fellow Christians. When I wake up in the morning and make that perfect cup of coffee, it helps me get centered for the day, and when my family comes together for escargot and fondue on Christmas Eve, it reminds me of the many happy times in my childhood.
So it is natural that those fondue pots would bring a sense of peace, but because I am aware of my tendency to be what some call a “pack rat,” I know I have to do a healthy purge of things and let go of some of the many fondue pots I own.
But what if someone just cannot allow themselves to let go of something because they remind them so much of their special person who died? What if this holding on to the past has become self destructive, even to the point that the items are taking over their home and lives?
This someone may be a loved one that you are concerned about or it may be you that has acknowledged that objects around your home have become so overwhelming that it is causing not only anxiety, but embarrassment or other hurtful feelings.
What purpose is your linking object fulfilling?
Grief can be complex and overwhelming. Sometimes survival is the only goal. When grief is more manageable, it’s healthy to ask yourself on a consistent basis, “what purpose is this linking object fulfilling?”
Your answer may surprise you.
There are times when a linking object may be thought to keep a connection to a loved one who has passed, but it may also feed an emotional behavior that can keep you stuck in grief.
Linking objects help to keep memories alive. They remind you of your special person; their smile, the way they laughed, their jokes, their quirks, etc. It’s hard to let go of things like that. It’s hard to think that if you let go and move on, you may forget about what made them so special.
When you’re in a position of using linking objects to deny the reality about your loss, things can get problematic. One of the more common ways this happens is when someone dies and their family leaves their room exactly how it was for the rest of the time they own the house.
It’s okay to take your time to sort through things but if everything in the room is there to remove their death, the linking objects are likely being used more for the purposes of denial. This holding on and denying death can stir up other emotions that make grief feel more painful.
Many linking objects are used to honor the person who has passed. A special watch or ring can be quite sentimental and honoring when worn and/or talked about with other loved ones.
One question you may want to explore on an occasional basis is “is this linking object helping me honor my loved one?” If your answer is yes, use that linking object to share stories about the special person who you feel connected to.
If your answer is no, it may be time to consider the option of passing it on to someone else or letting it go. This can be a hard decision to make but it can also be helpful for the healing process.
Another question to ask yourself on an occasional basis is “do I need this linking object to stay connected to my loved one?” Since this question is phrased in a way to indicate a yes or no answer, your response can help dictate the type of purpose the object is fulfilling.
Again, if your answer is yes, use the object to share more stories about the special person who the object helps you feel connected to. If your answer is no, consider passing the item on or letting it go. Although this can be very difficult, it can be helpful for the healing process.
It’s important to take a moment every now and then to gauge how you feel about the object itself. Some linking objects can take a lot of time or cost a lot of money to keep current, working, or even clean. Practicalities such as these are factors that can impact a decision to keep or let go. They’re just as important as other factors that are considered more sentimental.
What to do when linking objects no longer fulfill their purpose?
Although there’s no set time to hang onto linking objects, there is the possibility of times when linking objects can hold you back from healing and moving forward in grief.
I (Belinda) keep thinking about when my youngest daughter would not let go of this one certain dress she loved. She loved that dress so much that she could tell you all the fun things that she did while wearing it. The list would be long.
None of the typical, “how about we donate it so some other little girl can get joy from it” or “it really is too small for you to wear and too big for your dolls, so maybe we should donate it” tricks worked with this kid. She was not letting go of that purple dress.
Then she started doing this with other items: dolls, toys, and other clothes items. She could recall a memory so quickly when she held that item, but the “holding on” created a big problem. Her room became over filled with stuff and she would never play in there.
That is when I had to do some creative mom/counselor work with her. I told her what a great storyteller she was. I told her how much I enjoyed her telling me about her things. I told her that I think others would love to hear those stories too.
But there was no way that we could bring all that stuff out in public. So I asked her to take a picture of the items she loved the most (which according to her was EVERYTHING).
The plan was to start with that dress and then we would put the pictures in an album so she could use them as illustrations for her stories. I was then able to explain to her how memories work, which in turn helped her let go and donate lots of her things. She even donated the all important purple dress. It took us a whole week and lots of mom patience to get through all the stories, but now at 14 years old she creates stories and videos with her own art.
This is just one way to get creative for how to start the process of removing linking objects that have lost their purpose. What are some other ways you can think of that will help you start to break free from your chains? Could it be setting a date to start and asking a trusted friend to help you? Maybe it will take you setting up an appointment with a grief support specialist to walk with you through the process. However you decide to move forward with letting go of linking objects, we encourage you to find support. Having that trustworthy person to keep you accountable and feel safe is an important part of the journey.
Conclusion
Linking objects are things that help keep the memory of a loved one going. They help you feel a special connection to someone who has died. Like life itself, linking objects have a beginning and an end.
If you have linking objects that are contributing to feeling stuck in grief, it may be time to ask yourself if the object is no longer fulfilling a purpose. This can be a difficult thing to discern.
However, the stories and questions to ask yourself here throughout this article can help. It is our hope that you are able to do what you need to do, in order to feel like your grief journey has momentum and movement. Sometimes, the support from a grief support specialist may be needed. Other times, the letting go of the linking object itself is all you need.
Reid Peterson lives in Santa Barbara, CA, and is the Founder of Grief Refuge. The Mission of Grief Refuge is to provide daily companionship throughout the grief journey. Download our mobile app to help cope with loss and manage grief.
Belinda Kock is a resident of Tuscaloosa, AL and owner of Free 2 Grieve. She is a graduate of The University of Montevallo, with her M.Ed. in Counseling with an emphasis on Clinical Mental Health. She is a Nationally Certified Counselor with the NBCC and has received her Certification of Thanatology from the Association for Death Education and Counseling.
