Grieving the Loss of Normal Life
The COVID-19 pandemic is changing life for everyone- quickly and uncomfortably. This article may be useful to you if you are currently struggling with life’s limitations and restrictions. I’ll share some short stories about friends pained by losses of their favorite things and offer support for people that are grieving the changes caused by adapting to a shelter-at-home lifestyle. I will also share some thoughts about how to emotionally respond to the current circumstances, to help you move forward.
Chances are you’ve experienced a sudden death before. You may be thinking of a time when a loved one has tragically passed. You never saw it coming and you weren’t prepared for it. It hit you like a mack truck. For some, it flips their world upside down- in the flash of a moment. The experience of loss is tragically painful.
I’ve noticed loved ones having similar responses to how life is- as a result of the current pandemic. The adjustment feels crazy and surreal. Similar to losing someone close, this pandemic is causing grief, and it’s hitting friends and family very hard.
Recently, one of my sisters updated her FB profile. She now has a picture of her son there. The caption of the photo states “My senior- class of 2020 strong”. And she’s not the only one doing it. It’s a current trend that parents who have seniors are doing. They’re doing it because they are sad. They are sad their child will more than likely not have a graduation ceremony. They’re searching for ways to honor their child and show how proud they are.
My sister and her comrades are experiencing anticipatory grief. They’re pained by the thought of children not going through the ritual of graduation. Anticipatory grief is feeling the sorrow now despite the actual loss not happening until some time in the future.
I also overheard my wife talking to a friend yesterday. The friend was very emotional because she can no longer do one of her favorite things in the world- which is to give her daughter a hug. Her daughter is grown up and doesn’t live close anymore. Our friend sees her daughter maybe a handful of times each year. She normally gets all excited when her daughter visits because she loves her so much, but was quite sad when talking to my wife about an upcoming visit, because she won’t know how to express her love like she normally does. This friend is grieving the loss of a special bond with her daughter.
The thought of not being able to hug a child in order to exert public health responsibilities breaks my heart. I’m not a parent but I am an Uncle times 11. When I think of children, one of the first things that comes to mind is how playful they are. I can’t imagine what it’s like for kids to be confined to their homes and only physically interact with siblings and parents. It’s got to be driving the household temporarily crazy!
Are you a sports fan? There’s a lot of grieving going on with sports. Athletes are feeling sorrow regarding the lack of activity, competition, and performance. Fans are missing their favorite teams. Just the other day my wife asked if I was missing sports. I told her no but I wasn’t being 100% honest. I am missing sports. Watching sports has been something I’ve enjoyed for 35 years. It has been a way to help me relax. I’m feeling some grief for losing that form of relaxation and decompression.
Life is so different now and it all changed so quickly. What ways are you feeling impacted? Is there something you’re missing the most and causing pain?
Knowing that extra support is needed at this time, I wanted to share some thoughts for how to manage grief caused by the global pandemic. There have been recent ideas and suggestions shared by grief experts such as David Kessler and Alan Wolfelt. Yet, I noticed there are opportunities to provide further support; to help people manage the emotional pain when experiencing grief.
I’ve recently heard a lot of friends who are naming our current situation as “odd”, “strange”, or even “crazy”. For me, this sounds too politically correct. Let me ask you this: have you had a moment recently where you were on the verge of a panic attack? Or have you felt an overwhelming amount of fear the last time you were at the grocery store because there was next to nothing to put in your shopping cart? That doesn’t sound “odd” or “strange” to me. It sounds terrifying!
Emotions are running really high right now. People are on edge. They’re scared and anxious. There’s a tremendous amount of unknown in our current situation. As humans, it’s in our nature to react to the unknown.
But what can be done with all this emotion? Should it be ignored? Is it better to pretend everything is fine? Where or how can this emotion be expressed?
When I was a child, I had a lot of anger inside me. I didn’t know how to express it. My mom then showed me how to scream into a pillow.
Could screaming into a pillow help you release some anger? If so, give yourself the permission to do so. It really does help. (The pillow won’t scream back at you. I promise.)
Or maybe you just need to vent some stress. Are you working out? Getting your heart rate up and sweating is one of the best ways to burn off stress. There are so many home workouts you can Youtube. They really help.
Even if you’re not into working out, you can take advantage of this time at home to write more. Writing down what you’re feeling is a form of emotional expression. Writing also helps to vent any pent up stress you may be feeling due to grief caused by the pandemic.
It’s important to find ways to express our emotions during the uncertainty of this pandemic. It’s also important to connect with the deeper sense of ourselves. Many people are taking advantage of the extra time they have to nourish their spirituality.
This morning I read a passage from a friend’s book. The message was about how many losses will happen in our lives and that sometimes the “funk” a loss causes can be good for our Souls?
“How is loss good for my Soul?” you might be thinking.
The short answer is that it teaches you how to let go of something and then make space for something new. As a result of this process, it helps you grow.
Growth happens by accepting and adjusting to change. Growing helps you gain wisdom, be more loving and compassionate to yourself and others, and teaches you new perspectives about life. Growth is good for our Souls. Yet, one must remain open to change in order to grow.
When you resist or avoid a change, even in the case of loss, more pain can be caused. More pain can lead to more problems. The problems that become too hard to solve often cause illness. Illness can make people sick or cause an addiction. Resistance to change can make people try new behaviors, in order to cope, but often the new behaviors don’t provide the solutions we are looking for.
As painful as this may sound, it can still be a process to help us grow. Growing is what we strive for, whether we’re fully aware of it or not. Growing is an essential part of life. In addition to accepting change, we’re going to need to let go in order to grow.
Do you remember being a child and one year you played baseball or softball, then the next year you played volleyball? Or drawing was your thing until you took your first pottery class? As children, we try so many different things. It’s a natural process to let go of one thing to try another. There’s little or no resistance to change. Children respond to what’s in front of them and learn from it. They then let go and grow.
But when we become adults, somehow the rules change. At some point, adults unconsciously decide that the pain isn’t helpful, they’ve had enough, and something can be done to stop it. They then search for ways to avoid pain, thus causing an inner imbalance, and ironically, larger problems that create more pain.
COVID-19 and how we respond to it has the potential to create more pain. This pandemic has caused a drastic change in such a short amount of time. It’s caused so many losses. As a natural response, people are grieving.
To help cope with the grief, one of the things we can do (in addition to accepting the changes forced upon us) is to emotionally and spiritually surrender. Surrendering is similar to acceptance, but it’s more deeply connected to how we see ourselves in the current circumstance.
Let me explain a little bit about the difference between acceptance and surrender. When I take a moment to remember a time I accepted something, I think of a time I lost a pet. She died too young and it was a freak accident that caused her death. Within a short time, even though I sometimes felt sad, I had accepted the tragic event and knew I (and the world around me) was okay.
But with COVID-19, it has a much larger impact on life. It’s not just one loss. It’s a collection of many losses. COVID-19 is causing deaths all over the world. In addition to people dying, it’s causing a loss of a complete lifestyle, connection to others, and even a sense of freedom.
I think that in order to make the best of our current situation and drastic lifestyle change, we must practice a sense of surrender. Surrendering is essential for feeling content or okay right now. It might just be one of the best ways to help you get through this pandemic; mentally, emotionally, and spiritually.
So how do you surrender?
The best place to start is with your breath. Your breath brings you to the moment. The moment is what’s happening right now. And truthfully, that’s the only thing you can fully control.
Take a moment to pay attention to your breath. What are you doing with it? Are you holding it? Is your breath shallow or deep? What’s the pace of your breath like?
Now, intentionally deepen your breath. Slow it down. Breathe in, fill your lungs with oxygen. Imagine air filling other areas of your body than just your lungs- like your belly and back.
Slowing your breath down helps you get more in touch with the emotions you’re experiencing.
Emotions are like the current in a river. They need motion to keep you functioning at a healthy level. But most adults stop their emotions from flowing. They judge their emotions as not politically correct or professional. They tell themselves they’re acting like a child if they fully express their emotions. By judging their emotions, they’re creating blocks to prevent them from being expressed.
Yet, if you take a moment to surrender, your emotions can flow through you. Something stuck within will begin to move and then let go. The letting go will create a sense of freedom and peace within.
There was a time in my past when I traveled abroad. I was in Byron Bay, Australia. I hiked to a point where there was a wonderful view of the sea. The view was expansive and the ocean was vast.
I hiked to the lookout point with an intention. I was going to surrender to God. I wasn’t giving my life to Jesus or claiming a new religion. I was letting go of my previous ways of coping with life and opening myself up to the force that breathes me. I was also going to stop thinking that the answers or direction in life had to come from me.
I got to the view point, looked out at the ocean, and then looked up to the sky. It was gray with beams of light breaking through the clouds. I smirked (because I was uncomfortable) and took the rays of sunshine breaking through the clouds as my sign that God was listening.
I said “God, I’m here and I’m sorry for fighting you so hard. I can feel it in my heart that I haven’t trusted you. But now I’m ready. And I’m open to your direction.”
“God, I need you. I need you more than ever. Please show me my path. I am at a total loss and I don’t know what to do next.”
That was one of my most vulnerable moments in life. At the time, I was in so much emotional pain. I felt stuck and lost in a whirlwind of fear and anxiety. What made my situation worse was that I didn’t trust anyone to help me.
The story of my time at the ocean is an example of an act of surrender. I accepted the fact that I was anxious, afraid, and uncertain of what to do in life. But more importantly, I surrendered to God; opening myself up to God’s guidance and direction. I put my trust towards something greater than myself, to help me get through the difficult situation.
How is your level of trust amidst our current pandemic? Are you trusting that you’ll get through this and things are going to be okay?
Please trust that no matter how much unknown the Coronavirus is causing, things will work out. They may not go back to what they were, but they will work out. Something greater than ourselves is guiding us through this. It’s our job to surrender, listen, and trust.
When you feel scared or anxious, take those deep breaths. Whisper to yourself, “God, I need you. I need your guidance.”
What can really help us to surrender is to implement the practice of getting out of our heads and being more in our bodies. This means turning down the thoughts and turning up the intuition. Connecting more with intuition reduces the need to analyze information and over think things, which is so easy to do when we’re in our heads.
Try to stay present and focus on what’s immediately in front of you. Look around the room. Is there a pet you can love? (I’m sure they are ready to love you back.) Is there a family member you can laugh with? There are tons of funny jokes being created every day to help our senses of humor increase during this difficult time. And if you live alone, is there a loved one you can call or video conference with? That connection will help you cope with your grief; for the loss of normal life.
I hope this article has helped to provide support during this time of immense grief. As a summary, there were thoughts and activities shared for how to manage grief caused by the global pandemic. There were also suggestions for letting go to grow. Finally, there were suggestions for expressing emotions and surrendering to the guidance of a higher power.
These are not easy exercises to implement. And unlike the pandemic, they require practice to create lasting change. Although we’re in isolation and social distancing is the new normal, we can find ways to express our emotions. We can also practice the discipline of surrender by putting our trust towards something greater than ourselves to help us get through this difficult situation.
Reid Peterson is the Creator of the Grief Refuge app. Grief Refuge is a daily companion to help support people on the grief journey. Download for free on iOS or Android to get daily support.
