How to Feel Less Guilt in Grief
I recently attended a Grief Educator training with the Center for Loss & Life Transition. I presented a topic about Guilt in Grief and how to move forward when someone feels a lot of guilt. In this article, my intention is to share information about how to feel less guilt in grief. When I work with people who are grieving, I often hear people speak to feeling a lot of guilt. It’s painful and as I empathize, I connect with them on the level of feeling stuck and unable to move forward.
If you’re wondering what I mean by move forward, it’s about transitioning from grief (which is the internal experience) to mourning (which is an outward expression of grief). Some of the information I’ll share here is based on a book called Understanding Your Grief, written by Dr. Alan Wolfelt. Alan is the Director of the Center for Loss & Life Transition and his Companioning Philosophy is a foundation for the grief support groups and sessions I provide.
Before I go into all the information, I want to make a promise to you. I promise to share what I call a Holistic way of managing grief- so not only your mental and emotional needs are met, but also your physical, social, and spiritual needs. I also promise to communicate this information as a means of support and not in the form of instructions or directions for how to think or feel.
I’ll start with a short story. This story is sad for me and it’s about a gentle and loving lady that I worked with who first came to me because her son died by suicide. She was quite pained because she didn’t understand why he ended his life. He was popular in school, he had good grades, and anyone that knew him would say he appeared to be enjoying life.
As our work continued, mom was able to share more of her feelings and that she felt less shock and disbelief and more openness to the reality of her loss. To my surprise, there was a point where our communication took a whole new direction. Mom had begun to share more about the guilt she felt. She had acknowledged that she had taken on responsibility for the death of her son- even though the responsibility wasn’t hers to take on.
It’s not uncommon to feel responsible for the death of a loved one. Sometimes there is unresolved communication that makes us feel guilty.
Sometimes a certain event or action happened and it wasn’t supposed to. Or the opposite happens. The event was supposed to happen but it never did.
Events like these can have a strong impact on some of the insecurities that may be deep inside you. They can bring up thoughts of “I could have done better” or “I did something wrong.”
In general, guilt is felt when you don’t meet an expectation of something. As in the case of the kind woman I mentioned a moment ago, guilt of outliving her son crushed her expectations of what motherhood was supposed to be like.
When I was in graduate school, a friend and classmate ended his life. Two nights before his death occurred, I spoke to him on the phone. His words were jumbled. He couldn’t speak in clear sentences. After I learned that he died, our last conversation came to mind. I remembered his muttered expressions and I told myself that those were his signs of needing help.
I never fully blamed myself for his death but I did take fault for not listening more, questioning, probing, and paying closer attention to the warning signs. I felt guilt because I didn’t think I had been a good enough friend that night when we spoke on the phone.
Is there someone close to you that comes to mind- where you feel like you could have done more for the person before they died? If your answer is yes, you’re not alone. As I said before, this emotion of guilt associated grief is quite common. For whatever reason, it’s easy to make yourself more at fault than what you actually are. Some experts think it has to do with our own self-worth or self-esteem. Other experts think it’s the mind’s irrational response to help make sense of the death. Otherwise the situation remains confusing. This last point is a little heady so let further explain.
The thoughts of “I could have done better” or “I did something wrong” can fit into a category of “if only” thinking. When you think this way, your mind may be working to try to make a comparison between what is new and unknown to what is already experienced through past behaviors.
Feeling guilt is the common experience because it has been felt in the past and it’s an easy go to emotion when responding to the new and unknown experience.
For some people, feeling guilty is part of their personality. And when I researched why, what came up was guilt may have been taught, whether intentionally or not, as a way of relating to others.
So by feeling guilty, your mind tricks itself into thinking it has control over this unknown event. Your mind has tricked you into believing that you better understand your loss.
However, this is likely an illusion. The guilt you feel is more of a mask, and technically more of a response to the event. Remember when I said the mind tricks you into thinking it has control over the unknown event? Well, guilt didn’t cause the event to happen, and therefore, has no control over it.
In the book Understanding Your Grief, there are 5 aspects of guilt and regret that are addressed. These include:
- Survivor Guilt- which means thinking you should have died instead of the person who did.
- Relief-Guilt- which is related to feeling relief for someone who has died, especially when they experienced a lot of illness or suffering. Relief guilt can also be felt for not missing certain aspects of the relationship with the person who passed.
- Joy-Guilt- which means thinking that happy feelings are bad at a time of loss.
- Magical thinking and guilt- which means believing you caused someone’s death because of your thoughts.
- Long standing personality factors- which were touched upon just a moment ago. This is guilt that is ingrained in your personality because you have felt guilty all your life.
Of these 5 aspects of guilt related grief, I’ll share a quick story about my biological father and the relief guilt I felt when he died:
I genuinely felt relieved when he died. His life was full of suffering with alcoholism and PTSD. As an adult, I tried to help him find ways to be happy and healed but I came to a point of realization years before he passed that he was not going to change because he was either too scared or didn’t really want to.
After I spoke at his memorial, it didn’t take long for questions and comments from people who were at the service to bring up my insecurities and self-consciousness about my own feelings of relief and joy. I reacted and began to feel guilty about my own perception for how my Father’s suffering had come to an end.
Perhaps a personal experience for you has come to mind of a time when you felt an aspect of guilt regarding the death of a loved one. If so, please know that it’s okay to feel the way you did or do.
Have you ever noticed that when you feel guilt, it’s mostly related to an experience with another human being? For example, not many people feel guilty for cutting down a tree branch or accidentally breaking their own drinking glass.
So it helps to acknowledge that your feelings of guilt are strongly associated with people. A way to recognize guilt in grief is to pay attention to the thoughts and self talk that goes on in your mind. Remember those statements of “I could have done better” or “I did something wrong?” Those are the types of thoughts that are strong indicators that you may be feeling guilt as part of your grief.
In 2014, a Guilt in Bereavement study listed self-blame and regret factors that participants indicated and rated as part of the experience with guilt in grief. These factors included:
Self-Blame
- I often wish I could have died instead of him.
- Sometimes I have the feeling that I share responsibility for his death.
- I have guilt feelings because I’m sometimes able to enjoy life again.
Regret
- I often wish I could turn the clock back and do things differently.
- If I could be with him one more time, I’d do a lot differently.
- I really regret not having done more for him when he was alive.
- I really regret not always behaving well toward him.
- I have guilt feelings when I think of some of the things that I did while he was still alive.
Do any of these statements sound familiar? If so, it’s confirmation that you’re feeling some guilt about your loss. Please don’t judge yourself for it. That’s the natural reaction. your guilt wants you to do that. Instead, nurture yourself. Let me explain how.
There are a lot of ways to nurture yourself when you feel guilty in your grief. I’m gonna shift the focus here from how to recognize guilt in grief to ways to nurture yourself. These include expressing your Feelings, Self talk, Self Care, Honoring, and Nature.
The ideal thing to do is to “Express the feelings openly- to a compassionate, patient, and non-judgmental listener” (Wolfelt, Understanding Your Grief). But I know that’s easier said than done. You may be thinking that someone like this is hard to find. Trust that there are people available who have these skills and qualities. They may not be in your personal network but they can be found.
If you currently don’t have a compassionate, patient, and non-judgmental listener, make sure that the people who are supporting you are not speaking your feelings for you. If someone cuts you off from what you’re saying and tries to name what they think your expression is, their intention may be good but it’s not going to help you feel what is authentic and true. Please look out for that.
A wise widow I companion once said that when you lose someone as important as your Soul mate, you have to walk away from the people who try to run your grief. Grief needs to be fully yours. You do it on your own time and in your own way.
Remember some of the thoughts and statements shared earlier regarding what people say to themselves when they feel guilty? These statements are ways of being hard on yourself and are sometimes a form of self punishment.
It’s easier said than done but do what you can to change your self talk. Be compassionate with yourself. Be kind to yourself. Counter any critical or judgmental thoughts with ones that are more kind and caring. Notice how your grief is real and causing you pain. Give yourself permission to say things that are more self supportive like “this is really difficult right now” or “things are really hard but I’m doing my best.” When you say something like that to yourself, you feel more humane and cared for. Keep that self compassion talk going.
Grief in itself can be quite exhausting. Add guilt to the mix and you may feel rather debilitated. When rest is needed, find the time to do so. And also, find time to move your body. Movement can be a helpful form of expressing your feelings, especially if you have a hard time crying or talking about your feelings.
Other common self care techniques include Mindfulness and Breathwork. Mindfulness is often associated with meditation. However, it doesn’t need to be. Numerous studies have shown that being more present to the moment has an impact on lowering stress and anxiety. Mindfulness can be helpful for guilt in grief, especially when you are more aware of what your self talk is like.
Sometimes guilt makes you engage in self-destructive behaviors. There are times when your mind may believe the behavior will help protect the other person, their legacy, or honor them in a certain way.
This is commonly referred to as survivor guilt and self talk is a very important aspect for nurturing yourself. This is where reminders of how proud and cared for you are will play a critical role in your healing.
To help reduce guilt in grief, you can do something to be in service of honoring a loved one who has died. You can plant a tree, volunteer at organizations that were meaningful to your loved one. Or partake in a meaningful ritual.
I ride a Harley to honor my late stepfather. The motorcycle used to belong to him. A fellow grief care provider that I know organizes and facilitates many ceremonies to honor the fallen. A person I have companioned did the same ritual every night for a year where she closed her eyes, and met her husband at their favorite vacation spot. They would talk and she would express her feelings of guilt. She repeatedly apologized for what she thought was her part in the death. She utilized her imagination to a tremendous capacity and I revered and was completely inspired by her commitment and self compassion throughout her grief work.
And by far the most underrated way to nurture yourself (in my opinion) is nature. Just being in nature is Healing. According to Web MD,Nature provides negative ions, which are molecules believed to produce biochemical reactions that increase levels of the mood chemical serotonin, and these help to alleviate depression, relieve stress, and boost daytime energy. Negative ions are abundant in moving water, sunlight, air, and the ground beneath us.
My wish is that nature would be more prescribed for people who are grieving. If you have the chance to sit near a river and just connect with what’s going on inside, it will really help you feel better.
So you now have some helpful techniques to nurture yourself. By doing so, the guilt and grief will not feel as heavy as before. And if you do any of these techniques on a consistent basis, it will help you feel a deeper sense of healing and wholeness.
Reid Peterson is the Creator of the Grief Refuge app. Grief Refuge is a daily companion to help support people on the grief journey. Download for free on iOS or Android to get daily support.
