Touching Your Grief
The other day, my wife placed her hand on my chest and told me she loved putting her hand there. I asked if she liked touching my grief. She expressed a puzzled look, indicating she was confused by my remark. I then told her about the classic Stephen Levine book I’m currently reading, Healing Into Life and Death, and shared more about what he shares in an early chapter.
Stephen Levine’s book explains that there is a point on the Sternum (which is the breast bone) that is sensitive to the touch. It’s in the middle-lower portion of your sternum. It is stated that if you apply pressure to that area for a while, you will feel tenderness or pain- and that you will continue to feel the sensation long after your pressure is removed.
In essence, you’re touching grief.
I was very intrigued with the exercise when I first learned about it. I had to try it. One night I sat on the couch and used my pointer finger to kind of poke around on my sternum. I did have a T-shirt on and felt for sensitivity in my mid-chest. I found a spot that I could focus on. I applied the pressure from my finger to the area for what felt like a while. Maybe 2–3 minutes or so.
As I pressed, I became more aware of my breath. As I inhaled, I focused on the pressure felt on my chest. I tried to soften my muscles and take in as much pressure as I could. It was kind of like I was surrendering to myself.
On the exhale, I felt mostly the same sensations. More awareness to my pressure and more softening and surrendering to the sensitivity.
Once I felt no change in sensation, I removed my finger.
As I sat there in the dark, I continued to feel the tenderness from where I had pressed. It wasn’t intense but it was quite noticeable. I thought to myself, “Is this really grief? Is it possible that everyone would feel something like this when they pressed on this tender spot on their own sternum?”
It was hard for me to grasp that concept from the book, Healing Into Life and Death. I believe grief is as unique as our fingerprint. There’s no identical match for what you or I will feel when we grieve. So when I read the claim about touching grief, I thought to myself, “no way.”
But that night I slept terribly. I was wide awake from 3 am on. As I laid there, my mind wandered from “what time is it?” to memories of deceased relatives. I couldn’t help but wonder about the timing of these memories. Did I touch my grief in a way that brought up unresolved matters and precious remembrances?
The memories were neither happy nor sad. They were more recollections of relatives and their personality characteristics. I had recalled some of the sounds my dad made with his mouth, unintentionally. I had remembered some of the things my grandmother used to say like “good beer” nearly every time she drank a glass of water.
In recalling those memories during the middle of the night, I was convinced I had touched my grief. It was like I had pressed a button and opened a door to things I hadn’t experienced in a long time. It was powerful and meaningful. It helped me realize how much I missed the relatives I was thinking of.
Why would anyone want to touch their grief? Grief can be so painful. Wouldn’t life be easier to move on, get busy, and focus on moving forward?
I often hear questions like these in the grief companioning work I do. It’s a natural response and it makes complete sense. When something hurts, why pursue more of it? Wouldn’t that indicate feeling more hurt and pain?
It sort of does and it sort of doesn’t.
When grief is expressed it becomes mourning. Mourning is talking about your feelings or partaking in ceremony or ritual. Mourning helps with the healing process. In some ways, the more you mourn, the more you heal.
So by talking about your loss and sharing the feelings you feel, you’re authentically mourning. Mourning doesn’t have to be all talk though. You can write things down or you can shed tears. There are several ways to authentically mourn.
Backtracking just a bit- I want to point out that by touching your grief, it will help you mourn, and mourning will help you heal. It’s pretty much a paradox. When you enter into the pain, and affirm it or embrace the feeling of it, the pain will begin to shift. Sometimes it will feel less, sometimes more. The famous Helen Keller quote of “The only way to the other side is through” may be helpful to better understand this paradox.
It takes a special person to touch their grief. You have to make time for it. And people are busy. But it’s kind of like what my friend (who’s a Chef) has said about buying healthy food. He says, “I’d rather pay now than pay later.”
Regarding your grief, if you deny, suppress, or avoid it, it will take a back seat but become something like a shadow- always following you, and yet, still a part of you. Grief won’t just go away. It will always be there, waiting for a time that is right. In my experience, it remains patient and persistent; showing up at times when you are in reflection or stillness. And when that moment comes, boom! Grief comes at you hard, sounding all alarms.
I hope by this point, you see the value of touching grief rather than avoiding it. By touching grief, you soften the armor around your heart, helping you feel more love and connection to other people. By touching grief, you feel more healing into life itself.
In the book Healing Into Life and Death, Stephen Levine provided a guided meditation in his chapter on exploring grief. He titled it A Meditation on Grief. I have adapted the meditation into a modern grief experience and I’d like to share some key points from it here. Think of it as a mini grief meditation and please take a few moments to participate in the experience.
(To be read slowly and with healing intention.)
Slow the duration of your breath as you bring more awareness to it. Be mindful and intentional. Slowing your breath will allow you to bring more air into your lungs, which will help you soften and melt tension. You’ll relax.
Now, gently place your left hand on your sternum. Use a fingertip to explore the bony area. Continue to breathe and bring awareness to the sensations felt on your sternum- by your touch. Find a tender spot in the lower middle area of this bony landmark. Once you’ve found it, keep your pressure on the spot.
Take a deep breath and bring your awareness to where you’re pressing. Just feel into it. Feel what’s there.
This is your grief space. Right now, you’re touching grief. For whatever comes up, just try to be with the sensations. If memories come up, let them roll but also acknowledge the feelings involved.
You’ve accessed your grief space and this is sacred and special. This is yours and only yours. It’s intimate and it’s special. In all of its tenderness, your grief space is a doorway to the healing within your heart. The more you allow yourself to be in this sacred space, the more profound your healing will be.
Notice how the armoring or guardedness softens. Stay with the feeling.
If you need more time here, take as much time as you need. If you’re okay and ready to return to daily life, begin to take a deep breath.
Slowly start your return to the room. Take another deep breath. Gently and slightly tilt your head from side to side.
Now, feel your feet. If they’re touching something, draw awareness there- to the contact.
Take another deep breath and gently remove your hand from your sternum.
When you’re ready, open your eyes.
Take a moment to gauge how you’re now feeling. Notice any new sensations. Take a quick scan of what it currently feels like in your body.
Thank you for joining me in this mini grief meditation. Your grief space is there for you to soften to. By touching your grief, you create a sacred space for more profound healing.
I also want to thank you for reading this. If you found the mini meditation useful, let me know. That way I can produce more to help with your grief.
Reid Peterson is the Creator of the Grief Refuge app. Grief Refuge is a daily companion to help support people on the grief journey. Download for free on iOS or Android to get daily support.
